Zoro's a Rapist!
by inkywings
Summary: Luffy's bitten by a snake and when Zoro gives him a potion, he tells his crew he has pain in his stomach, upper thigh, a weird taste in his mouth and Zoro tied him down. And they take it the wrong way. Oh the wrongness! COMPLETE!
1. Zoro What Did You Do?

**Me: You're all insane. Every. Single. One. Of. You. One reviewer said I'm a god, one said I should write a multi-chapter fic. Just... GRR!**

Well, you got your wish. I am making this... (takes deep breath) MULTI-CHAPTER ONE PIECE FIC!

Kingdom Hearts cast: (hyperventilates)

Me: (sweat drop) Yeah, this is the weirdest thing I've ever thought up. And for some strange, bizarre reason, Digital and her friend LIKE it oo;;. So... now I'm writing it. FIC GOALS!

1. Have it done in the next two weeks.

2. Make sure it abides by the laws of canon.

3. Write it and maybe have people like it (gasps).

Me: Third goal is sort of impossible, but hey! I'll try! Read on, people, read on.

Digi: (does happy crazed dance in background)

Warnings: None for this chapter.  
  
It hurt.

It hurt really badly.

It hurt even more then Chopper's shots, and those things HURT! But this was worse.

Luffy's bottom limp, which was jut out from his mouth, trembled in pain as he watched the stupid worm slither away.

It was a really weird worm. A long, shiny green one. With pointy teeth! It actually looked pretty cool.

So that's when Luffy saw the thing coiled up in the bottom of his Pirate's Lunch Box while he sat in the tree of a nearby village, he decided to pick it up. It was so awesome!

Luffy had laughed when the thing slithered down his sides; it was so funny! It tickled when the thing slid up his pants when it hit the floor. But it definitely did NOT tickle when he felt something bite him in his upper thigh.

Luffy whimpered in pain, hands clutched tightly over the wounded flesh. He felt white hot waves of pain splash themselves up his blood vessels and something strangle seemed to be flowing inside of him. And it was spreading quickly.

Trembling, Luffy worked his way to his knees; he never noticed hitting the ground. The sudden movement made his head spin and the punctures in his skin sear with more pain as the torn flesh stretched. Luffy hadn't a problem with stretching, but this HURT!

But he wouldn't let the pains top him! He'd just get back to the Going Merry and Chopper would make him all better!

Taking a deep breath, Luffy lifted one leg and with his trembling limbs, somehow managed to lift himself off the ground. His leg felt like a big balloon, like it was swelling. Luffy could make himself into a balloon! But he wasn't doing this on purpose.

Luffy's head felt like it weighed twice its normal weight as he stumbled forward, that stinging pain still flowing up from his upper right thigh. Maybe that worm was poisonous...

He staggered forwards, vision blurring slightly. He barely caught himself as he fumbled in his footsteps, hand grabbing at the tree. His body was starting to feel numb. His insides felt like plastic, joints creaking inside of him as he tried to stretch.

He moaned softly as the pain finally brought him back to the ground again. He had to get back to the ship. And find Chopper...

He felt a thudding in his ears and it took a moment for him to realize it was footsteps.

Looking up, he smiled wearily. "Hey, Zoro," he said quietly, instantly realizing the green hair despite the blurriness of his vision.

"Luffy?" Zoro exclaimed. "What the hell happened to you?"

"A cool green worm thing bit me!" Luffy told him, vision clearing up a bit as he focused on Zoro instead of the pain. It made him feel better.

Zoro's eyes narrowed and his head snapped in the direction of a hissing sound he heard from his left. What he saw made his gasp out loud, something he rarely did.

"Luffy, didn't you listen to what Nami told you?" Zoro exclaimed. "This place is famous for those! That's an Arubatsu Snake! They're all over the place, they're venom is deadly!"

"It has a cool name!" Luffy exclaimed.

Zoro was not sure if that was Luffy talking or the delirious state his mind was in. And he didn't really care at the moment.

"Luffy, where the bag Chopper gave you?" Zoro asked urgently.

Luffy raised a shaking hand and pointed towards the tree he had been resting upon. Zoro rushed over, careful to avoid the snake that was now snoozing quietly on the ground; he'd kill it later.

Unzipping the bright red pail, he snatched up a black pouch with a small white cross on it.

Hurrying to his captain's side, Zoro ripped the bag open and spilled it's contents into his palm; a small vial filled with green liquid, a similar filled with blue, and a tiny piece of paper rolled up.

Hearing Luffy's breath begin to slow down a bit, Zoro quickly unfurled the parchment first and read the tiny writing on it.

"To disinfect the bite of a Arubatsu Snake," Zoro read to himself, "dab the blue peroxide on the bite wound and the victim drink the green antidote."

Dropping the paper to the floor, Zoro unplugged the small vial filled with blue potion and poured it over the black cloth bag. "Luffy, where were you bitten?"

"Is this gonna hurt?" Luffy pouted.

"No, it'll make the pain go away," Zoro said calmly. "And as soon as you're better, I'll get you some meat, okay?"

"Okay!" Luffy said. "I got bit right here!" He yelped in pain as he prodded the wound, pain once again shooting through his leg.

"Okay," Zoro said. It was pretty high up on his leg. So that meant Zoro would have to...

His face turned red faster then Sanji's face when he saw Nami naked at Alabasta.

"Umm... Luffy?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm, errr..." Zoro gulped. "Gonna have to take off your pants."

Luffy blinked, not understanding what the big deal was. "Sure, Zoro. I don't care!"

Zoro nodded; of course Luffy wouldn't mind. Trying and failing to keep his hands from shaking he slowly reached for the zipper to Luffy's pants. Oh dear god this was so wrong.

"Zoro, is something wrong?" Luffy asked in a groggy voice.

Zoro winced. "No," he said in the calmest voice he could muster. He had to get this over with. It was just Luffy! But he was still all to aware that with Luffy looking like a drunk and Zoro pulling down his pants, this looked very much like rape.

Taking a deep breath, Zoro pulled down the jeans to reveal a pair of black boxers covered in skulls and crossbones. Typical.

He frowned, forgetting his embarrassment as he eyed the green and yellow gash on his leg, red dribbling out slowly from two puncture wounds.

Luffy whimpered. 'Make the pain stop, Zoro."

"I will, just hold still," Zoro commanded quietly. And then, gently as possible, Zoro dabbed the injury with the potion-covered bag.

Zoro's heart twitched slightly at the hiss of pain Luffy let out. He squirmed slightly, but let Zoro finish cleaning off the yellow and green glue until only a bright red gash remained. It still looked horrible, but at least it looked clean.

Okay, that was the easy part. But now...

He picked up the blue bottle which was larger then the first one. The icky looking green stuff floated around looked disgusting, and now would come the tricky part.

Getting Luffy to drink it.

"Can we go now?"

Zoro was snapped back to reality by Luffy's voice, the afore-mentioned teen pulling back on his jean shorts.

"Um, not yet, Luffy," Zoro said nervously.

Luffy blinked. "Really?"

"Um, yeah," Zoro said. "You have to take something else."

"But the bad stuff is all gone!" Luffy protested.

"Yes, but there's still poison in your body," Zoro pointed out. "And in order to get it out..."---he held up the green bottle---"you'll have to drink this."

The swordsman's arm shot out just in time to catch Luffy who had tried to bolt as soon as Zoro said the word 'drink'.

"Luffy, hold still damn it!" Zoro growled, forcing the younger boy down and pinning him beneath him.

"NO!" Luffy shouted. "I'm not taking that icky stuff!"

"You'll die if you don't!" Zoro snapped, barely hanging on to his distressed captain.

"I don't care!" Luffy retorted. "I won't drink it and you can't make me!"

Zoro sighed in annoyance; this was getting them nowhere. If he didn't get Luffy this stuff soon, it would be too late. Chopper said you only had five minutes before the poison got to your heart and at this rate; Zoro couldn't force the stuff down Luffy's throat until he was long since dead.

Then an idea hit him.

"Luffy, I really don't want to do this," Zoro warned. Grabbing at the tree behind Luffy, he grabbed a vine and tied the struggling boy's wrists together, trapping him. Normally Luffy could've freed himself from these with ease, but the poison was taking its hold and slowing down his movements.

So Luffy did the only thing he could think of; he clamped his mouth tightly shut.

"C'mon, Luffy, just drink it!" Zoro snarled, rising the now open bottle to the younger man's lips, who was refusing to part them for anything.

Zoro glared; Luffy stared.

...and Zoro's hands flew to Luffy's stomach.

Luffy's mouth gaped open as howls of laughter erupted, shaking his body into giggling fits.

Zoro smirked in satisfaction; Luffy's other weakness, besides water: he was terribly ticklish.

"AH HA HA! Z-Zoro-o, AH HA HA, s-st-sto-op! AH HA HA HA!"

Luffy was silenced as the tickling stopped and the bottle was jammed into his mouth. He felt the acidic-tasting liquid flow through his parted lips, making his want to gag it up.

But Zoro quickly dropped the bottle and clamped Luffy's lips shut with his hand, the other hand firmly pinching Luffy's nose. A few moments of struggling later, Luffy finally gave up and swallowed.

Zoro smirked, letting go of Luffy at last who immediately began to cough up the few drops of the green antidote left in his mouth.

"Eww, that stuff's disgusting!" Luffy whined, grabbing a hold of Zoro's shirt and rubbing his mouth frantically with the sleeve.

Zoro let Luffy wipe off his mouth (although he really didn't have anything on it) since it was the least he could do after Luffy got that bite. It didn't bother him much, anyway.

Once Luffy was done, he plopped back down on the ground and clutched his stomach. "Zoro, I think that stupid potion made me sick! My stomach feels funny and my leg really hurts." He clutched his thigh.

Zoro pulled Luffy's hand away from the injury. "It'll get better, just don't stretch too much, got it?"

"Got it!"

Bull shit, Zoro thought. Luffy would never stop moving, but at least now he Luffy couldn't say Zoro didn't warn him.

"Can we go back to the ship now?" Luffy asked, standing up quickly and wincing as he did so.

"Yeah, sure."

_Going Merry_

"Hey Luffy, what's wrong with you?"

Luffy's head popped up at Usopp's question. He and the rest of his crew, excluding Robin who was reading below deck and Zoro who was off taking a nap whereno one would disturb him, were sitting around a table. Luffy kept on rubbing the top of his thigh, distracted by his wound.

"It hurts," Luffy whined.

"What hurts?" Chopper asked, quirking his head to the side as Zoro came walking by.

"Right here," Luffy pointed, going a bit too upwards. "And my stomach hurts too."

Nami raised an eyebrow. "What did you do this time?"

"It was Zoro's fault," Luffy insisted. "But he made it sort of better, but the stuff he forced in my mouth was nasty."

Zoro's eyes widened; oh please don't let this be going where he thought it was going.

"It left a weird taste in my mouth," Luffy exclaimed.

It was going there.

"He had to tie me down to get it in."

Why, god, why?

"Oh, he had to pull down my pants too."

Why Zoro? WHY?

_Done_

Me: (cackles) Okay, guys. Luffy says Zoro tied him down, pulled off his pants, he forced something down his throat and it left a weird taste in his mouth, he's clutching a certain area in pain... what do you think they're gonna take it as? (cackles) Oh Zoro is so easy to pick on!

The story's not over yet! Stay tuned for more!


	2. I CAN'T CURE RAPE!

**Yes, I DO still think you're all insane. My god, 12 reviews? Oi, you're all weirdo's. But I loved every one of the reviews XDD. **

Next chapter is here! If you choke from laughing too hard, it ain't my fault! Since you guys seemed to find the last chapter so amusing. I guess that would make this one hilarious (sweatdrop)

Fic Goals: Same as before.

Warnings: The most perverted conversations you will ever read in your entire life.

Everyone was staring wide-eyed at Luffy. It seemed as if Zoro was praying to just disappear from the side of the earth. Sanji's cigarette had fallen out of his mouth, Chopper looked confused, Usopp seemed ready to burst out laughing, and Nami's grip on the map she was working on had weakened so that the parchment rolled back up and curled along the floor, rolling away from a gaping navigator.

Luffy was still rubbing his upper thigh, his hand dangerously close to his (AHEM) so that it looked like he was rubbing a wrong place.

"What was that?" Sanji asked in horror.

"What was what?" Luffy asked, confused.

"Please tell me this is just one HUGE misunderstanding," Nami said. "Luffy... what did Zoro do to you?"

"He tied me down, said it would help," Luffy replied easily.

"Help who, you or Zoro?" Sanji sneered.

Zoro's face exploded in a very unique shade of red. "It wasn't like that!" Zoro roared.

"Why did it hurt so much?" Luffy whined. "I'm confused."

"Poor Luffy," Usopp said. Then turning to Zoro, he said, "You should have just taken a cold shower, you know."

Zoro's face turned, if possible, even redder.

Before he could even manage to get a threat out, Luffy said, "Yeah, it was really hot," Luffy said, remembering the searing heat of the poison. Looking up at his first mate, Luffy asked, "Is that why you took my pants off, Zoro?"

"YOU SICK MINDED PERV!" the Straw hats roared at Zoro.

"IT WASN'T LIKE THAT!" Zoro snapped right back. Only Luffy could make this big of a mess without even meaning to do it.

"You corrupted poor Luffy!" Nami yelled.

"What's going on?" Chopper asked, frankly disturbed at the amount of yelling going on.

Throwing a quick smirk of triumph at Zoro, Sanji said tot he reindeer, "Zoro raped Luffy."

"I DID NOT!" Zoro declared angrily.

"Rape...?" Chopper asked. "Rape? RAPE? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CURE RAPE!" He got up and ran up and down the ship, frantically yelling he would never reach his goal if he could never sure this 'rape'.

"RAPE?" Luffy yelled. "AHHH, I HAVE RAPE!" And he too began running in circles.

"You do not have rape!" Zoro shouted forcefully.

"Then what did that big bite do?" Luffy asked.

"Wow, Zoro, you really got in there," Sanji said with fake approval on his face.

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU SHITTY CHEF!" Zoro screamed. This was pissing him off, he felt his anger rising. Zoro would never rape Luffy, and if it weren't for the captain's use of word they wouldn't be having this conversation.

"If you didn't rape him, then what did you do?" Nami asked suspiciously.

Unfortunately for Zoro, Luffy answered first. "He bit me!" Luffy exclaimed.

Usopp gasped. "Zoro!"

All this was trying to be heard over Chopper who was currently yelling, "RAPE!" at the top of his lungs, hoping to jog something in his memory that would cure this disease.

"There was a lot of blood!" Luffy went on.

"How big are you?" Nami exclaimed while Sanji looked on at Zoro jealously, unhappy she asked Zoro and not him.

"Shut the fuck up!" Zoro said. "It wasn't that!"

"Zoro called it a snake," Luffy nodded.

Usopp snorted. "What a stupid name," Usopp scolded. "I call mine The Great...!"

"NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT YOU CALL IT!" Zoro, Sanji and Nami all shouted in unison, whacking Usopp over the head.

"But Zoro made it better!" Luffy told his crew. "But it tasted really nasty. He forced it into my mouth!"

"You poor thing!" Nami exclaimed, rushing over and hugging Luffy while Sanji silently planned mutiny of the captain behind them. Turning to Zoro with flames in her eyes she shouted, "Zoro, how could you?"

"I DIDN'T!" Zoro shouted.

"Yes you did!" Luffy told him, misunderstanding the situation entirely. "You had to force it in my mouth when you tied me down!"

"How dare you take away a poor kid's innocence like that?" Sanji murmured, shaking his head. "I know you're hopeless in the love department, you stupid swordsman, but this just plain disgusts me. Even more then your green head."

"I DID NOT RAPE LUFFY!" Zoro shouted, slamming his fist into the table.

"Were you this violent with Luffy?" Usopp asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yup, he pinned me down!" Luffy said, grinning.

It was at this moment that Chopper came barging through them.

"RAPE!" he yelled. "I MUST FIND A CURE FOR RAPE!"

The reindeer scuttled down the wooden steps and out of sight, hooves clattering on the floor.

Nico Robin, who had chosen to remain in her and Nami's room, was reading when she heard the doctor's shouting.

Eyes peeking up form the page, she watched as Chopper zoomed by, still screaming "RAPE!"

...a pause.

Sighing, she returned to the book, deciding she did not want to know and trying to ignore Tony's shouts from the hallway. She was curious as to who raped who, but thought better of it not to say anything.

"So, Luffy, what did this 'snake' look like?" Usopp sniggered.

"Oh, it was huge!" Luffy cried, motioning with hi arms. "And he was dripping white stuff," he added, remembering the white venom dripping from his fangs.

Everyone's eyes grew huge, including Zoro's

"Damn, Zoro, how big of a close up did this kid get?" Nami exclaimed, horrified.

"I swear to God it was not that!" Zoro shouted.

"I'm telling you, you should have just taken a cold shower!" Usopp said. And then, after slight hesitation, said, "A very, VERY cold shower..."

"I was NOT horny!" Zoro snapped at the marksman. "And I did NOT rape Luffy! Get it the fuck out of your sick minds!"

"Zoro, what's rape?"

Everyone turned to look slowly at their captain who was looking at his first mate with questioning eyes.

"Umm..." Zoro muttered, not at all sure how to explain this one.

"Yeah, Zoro, tell him," Nami ordered. "He has a right to know."

"It wasn't rape!" Zoro insisted, yet again.

"Oh, so it was consensual sex?" Sanji asked, smirking.

"I always knew you weren't straight," Nami sighed.

"Zoro looks pretty straight to me." Luffy said, eyeing Zoro's back that was, indeed, very straight.

Nami bent own to look Luffy, who was sitting on a low chair, in the eye. "Luffy, she said, "what Zoro did to you was very bad."

"I didn't do anything to him!" Zoro said, hands itching towards his katana but he was being restrained by Sanji.

"But Zoro said it would save my life!" Luffy pouted.

Nami had a disgusted look on her face. "Believe me, Luffy, the only person who is that desperate in Sanji and even HE doesn't go to such measures."

"That's right!" Sanji agreed.

"You do know she just called you desperate, right," Usopp asked; Sanji chose to ignore him.

"If you'd just let me explain you'd see this is just a big mix up!" Zoro shouted. "You've got it all wrong!"

"All wee need to know is that YOU took advantage of our poor Luffy!" Usopp snarled.

"I did not!" Zoro exclaimed. "I never touched Luffy!"

"Did too!" Luffy said. "And it really hurt, Zoro. Now my stomach feels all bad. Are you sure the potion stuff you put in me is working?"

"Now you're calling it POTION!" Nami shouted.

"That's a stupid name," Usopp snorted. "I call mine The Wonderful...!"

"NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW!" Nami, Zoro and Sanji shouted. Usopp shut up, frowning.

"Fine, but I still have better names then him," Usopp sniffed.

They heard a scuffling noise from the doorway and everyone turned to see Chopper running through the doorway carrying a bucket of what looked to be water with ice cubes floating in it.

"Which one is infected with rape!" Chopper shouted.

"I am!" Luffy replied, raising his hand.

Luffy let out a cry of surprise as Chopper threw the ice water on his head.

"Ah, what was that for you stupid reindeer?" Luffy roared.

"I read the definition of rape!" Chopper shouted. "And I figured the nest cure was cold water!"

"What definition?" Nami asked in amusement.

Chopper held up a dictionary, showing them to a page that did, indeed, have the definition of 'rape' on it.

_rape (n.) _

The crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual  
intercourse. The act of seizing and carrying off by force; abduction.  
Abusive or improper treatment; violation: a rape of justice.

tr.v. raped, rap_品__ng, rapes _

To force (another person) to submit to sex acts, especially sexual  
intercourse; commit rape on.  
To seize and carry off by force.  
To plunder or pillage.

Luffy read in confusion. "Too many big words," he told them, crossing his arms.

"To plunder or pillage," Chopper said, walking away. They all stared in awkward silence until a minute later when Chopper came out; with about four buckets of water.

"Err, Chopper, what are you doing?" Zoro asked.

"Curing you!" he said happily.

And then he spilled the water over everyone.

**That's it for now, people. I would have continued, but I thought that was a good place to leave it. Hmm... I don't think it was funny enough. Damn it. Well, I guess you may all throw random flaming objects at me now. Gomen nasai, guys. **

Please review if you find the time! I'd love to hear your opinions!


	3. Arubatsu Snake

**Me: MWA HA HA! I WON THE INTERNET!  
**

**Readers: O.O**

**Me: Digital said that I won the internet so HA! (watches readers run away) Awww!**

**Chapter Goals: To finish the story off in this chapter and tie up all loose ends.**

**Chapter Warnings: More perverted conversations. **

The Strawhats sputtered loudly in surprise, the icy water being spilled on them from the reindeer quickly flowing over their skin and soaking their clothes.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" they all roared in unison, eyes filled with fiery rage as they looked at the now cowering doctor.

"I had to cure you!" Chopper yelled in defense, dropping the buckets to the floor and crossing his arms... or legs... or hooves... or whatever.

"We're not sick!" Zoro snapped.

"One of us sure is," Sanji muttered darkly, eyeing Zoro as if expecting him to pounce the cook and strip him naked.

"Oh yes you are, and I cured you!" Chopper insisted. "I looked it up and rape results in sexual tension, and to cure sexual tension you use cold water!" He pointed towards the abandoned buckets.

"But the only rapist here is Zoro!" Nami cried, pointing to the swordsman who immediately began sputtering threats about how Nami was going to go to hell and he was going to PUSH her down there.

"No!" Chopper cried. "Look at this definition!" He pointed to the end of the definition.

_To plunder or pillage._

"And the definition of plunder and pillage is to steal!" Chopper said. "You've all stolen money, so therefore, you all have rape!"

All of their jaws dropped. Not only was it disturbing to see the cute little reindeer, in a child like voice, talk about sexual tension and rape, but it was also disturbing about how he was making sense of it... in the worst possible way.

"Well, Chopper is sort of right," Usopp sniggered. "Zoro definitely _plundered _Luffy's family jewels!"

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL!" Zoro roared,

"Chopper, you have it all wrong," Sanji told him calmly. "The rape we're talking about is the sex kind, not the stealing kind."

"Although Zoro did steal Luffy's innocence!" Usopp added as he clung to the mast, trying to stay out of reach of Zoro who was currently trying to get at him with his swords to slice him into pieces.

"True," Sanji nodded. "But Chopper, this really has nothing to do with plundering. Besides, the only one who can heal MY sexual tension is Nami-san."

"WHAT?" Nami yelled, but she didn't look nearly as affected as Chopper.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Chopper said. "If Nami can cure sexual tensions, then so can I!"

"Umm... Chopper..." Sanji began, inching away from the reindeer.

"That does it!" Chopper said. "I shall find the cure for sex rape later! Now I must...FIND A WAY TO CURE SANJI'S SEXUAL TENSION!"

So as you can see, it was a bad time for Nico Robin to come up, which was exactly what she did.

It was a very odd scene for someone to see when they just got here. The marksman was clinging for dear life to a mast, Zoro was rolling on the floor laughing his ass off while pointing to the cook, whom was beat red in the face, and Nami staring wide eyed at the whole thing while Chopper continued to yell he needed to "CURE SANJI"S SEXUAL TENSIONS!"

"Captain-san," Robin said, looking at Luffy, "I think I'm going to be downstairs for a while if you need anything. A very, very long while."

They all watched as she walked down the stairs again, shutting the door behind her.

"...Zoro?" Chopper asked Zoro. "From what I hear, you eased your sexual tensions with Luffy so how may I do it with Sanji?"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Nami roared. "The first mate raped the captain and Sanji is getting his kicks with reindeer!"

Usopp laughed hysterically, pointing at Sanji who looked ready to kill and in the act, he fell from the pole. But that didn't matter since Zoro was also laughing too hard to kill the marksman anyway.

"I do NOT get my kicks with REINDEER!" Sanji roared.

"Yeah, Sanji kicks really good already," Luffy frowned.

"Is that how to cure it?" Chopper exclaimed. Using his hard little hoof, he kicked Sanji sharply in the knee.

"That is NOT how you cure sexual tensions!" Sanji snapped. "And it's not really CURED."

"Is it like asthma?" Chopper blinked. "It's an on going disease?"

"With dartboard over there, yeah it is," Zoro sneered.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP PORCUPINE!" Sanji snapped, cigarette dangling from his mouth.

"I may not be able to cure asthma," Chopper said, "but I swear, as this ships doctor, I WILL CURE SANJI'S SEXUAL TENSION AND RAPE!"

"Well, sexual tension and rape are sort of the same thing," Usopp nodded. "So I guess you can cure both with the same thing."

"Stop putting ideas into his head!" Nami, Sanji and Zoro all roared at the same time."

But Chopper decided to listen to Usopp. "Then I'll do it!" he declared. "I WILL CURE SANJI'S SEXUAL TENSION AND EVERYONES RAPE!"

"Where did all of this start?" Nami asked exasperatedly, rubbing her temples.

"It all started," Sanji said, pointing dramatically at Zoro, "with him raping Luffy!"

"Yeah!" Luffy agreed, completely missing the whole point. "I don't care what you say, Zoro, it was still painful!"

"I was only trying to help!" Zoro said.

"By fucking him?" Sanji snapped. "I knew you were an idiot, you damn swordsman, but even you should know that's not the way!"

"I didn't do anything to Luffy!" Zoro snapped.

"Did too!" Luffy whined, pointing to his leg... that looked a lot like he was pointing to another place. Guess where. Just guess damn you.

"The snake was right here!" he told his crew.

"It'll be all right, Luffy," Nami assured him. "We'll get you a nice psychiatrist to help you through this. Of course, you'll be paying for it..."

"I don't need a psychotic," Luffy scoffed.

"She said psychiatrist, idiot," Sanji said.

"Whatever," Luffy shrugged. Looking over at Zoro, he said, "I still don't get it! What's rape?"

Zoro's face flushed red with embarrassment; of all the things he had to explain to Luffy, this was the worst. INCLUDING the sex talk.

Sanji and Usopp sniggered.

"Yeah, Zoro, tell him," Sanji taunted, smirking.

"Shut the fuck up!" Zoro spat at the cook. Sighing, he looked at Luffy and said, "You know what sex is right?"

"Umm... no, not really," Luffy said, laughing sheepishly.

Zoro's eyes grew huge and his cheeks grew redder; the constant sniggers from his fellow shipmates and Chopper yelling random solutions to cure rape and Sanji's sexual tensions not helping at all. "You've... never been taught about... sex?"

"Nope," Luffy laughed. "But you can tell me, Zoro!"

"Well... do you know where babies come from?" the swordsman asked hopefully.

"Of course I do, I'm not stupid!" he said, failing to notice the audible snorts from his friends. "Usopp told me babies came from storks!"

Zoro shot a glare at Usopp, but Chopper looked at him with wonder.

"Really?" the reindeer exclaimed.

Usopp nodded impressively. "Yup," he said. "When two people want a baby, they call the storks!"

"Really? Wow! That's so cool, Usopp!" Chopper exclaimed.

"I once met a stork," Usopp nodded. "But it was an evil stork who was eating the babies! He had gigantic fangs and long, deadly claws!"

Chopper's eyes grew huge. "What did you do to it?"

"I beat him up!" Usopp said as if this were the most common thing in the world. "And do you know what I said to it?"

"What?"

Usopp drew out his chest importantly. "I told him that I was the great captain Usopp and he will never eat another baby as I was around!"

"EH? SO COOL!"

"Yes," Usopp encouraged. "But it was already eating a baby when I got there; it was sucking out the poor kids brains! But I saved him and the child was later on named... Luffy."

"That explains a lot," Zoro snorted.

"But Usopp..." Chopper began, "you and Luffy are the same age. How could you beat up a stork when you were that small?"

"Time machine."

"EH? USOPP, YOU'RE SO COOL!"

"Alright, enough!" Nami snapped. "Chopper, that is not where babies come from!"

"Oh just let him believe it," Zoro grunted, not at all minding the fact that he could now skip giving Luffy the sex talk.

"We're getting off topic," Sanji smirked, enjoying the flustered look on Zoro's face.

"That's right," Nami blinked. "We need to figure out what to do with the rapist."

"I AM NOT A RAPIST!"

"Sure you're not," Sanji snorted.

"I'm not!" Zoro snapped. "Luffy, tell them what really happened damn it!"

"I did!" Luffy retorted. "The dripping white snake bit me, the potion you forced in my mouth gave me a stomach ache and left a weird taste in my mouth and now I hurt!"

"That's solid proof!" Usopp declared, pointing wildly at the swordsman.

"Luffy's just wording it wrong!" Zoro insisted. "If you just sit the fuck down and listen to me you'll see that!"

"I don't know about you guys," Sanji murmured, "but I don't want to here the excuse of a rapist. It's dishonorable."

"Here here!" the others shouted enthusiastically.

Zoro opened his mouth to spurt out a threat but he was cut off by a loud scream.

"AHHHH!" Chopper shouted, eyes bulging at something on the other end of the ship. "It's coming this way!"

Everyone's heads snapped to the stern and a faint hissing noise spread through the air and reached their ears, wisping through their veins and sending tingles up the spine.

"Ahh, it's the stupid worm!" Luffy cried.

Well, he wasn't completely wrong, Zoro though in slight shock. He recognized it as the snake that had been coiled up next to Luffy in the town, sunlight bouncing off of it's lurid green scales, sleek muscular body waving in curls as it slid across the sun baked wood.

"Is that an..." Nami began.

"That's the Arubatsu Snake I was telling you about," Chopper stuttered.

"I told them about it, too," Luffy said grinning.

The reptile hissed at it's latest pray, seemingly dissapointed Luffy hadn't died.

"Yeah, that's right, you stupid snake, I'm still here!" Luffy declared. To his ship mates, he said, "See, I told you! This snake thing bit me and Zoro gave me the potion to make me better!"

"You mean... the antidote I gave you?" Chopper asked.

Luffy nodded happily. "Yup!"

"Then why did he force it in your mouth?" Sanji asked.

"I just didn't want to take it," Luffy laughed.

"So... this is the dripping white snake?" Nami asked.

"Yeah, see the white stuff?" Luffy pointed at the dripping white venom.

Their jaws dropped as Zoro gave them the I-Told-You-So glare.

"And the potion gave you a stomach ache," Usopp said faintly as he watched Zoro walking towards the snake.

"Yeah," Luffy replied. "And it bit me right here."

The watched as he pointed to the same place as he had earlier, but they could now see a faint spot of blood and saw his finger was actually pointing to a place below his... yeah. (Author can't bring herself to say it)

"So this was..."

"Just a big mix up?" Zoro asked, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah. Now if you'll excuse me for just a moment."

They looked on, Luffy with amusement. Zoro pulled out his cursed katana, raising it high above his head and brought it down. "DIE YOU STUPID ASSHOLE OF A SNAKE!"

They winced (but Luffy laughed) as the snake let out a final hiss in pain, blade cutting clear through it's body and cutting the creature clean in half.

"Ew, Zoro, that's disgusting!" Nami said, eyeing the two chunks of bleeding Arubatsu Snake with utter most repulsion.

"Yeah, Zoro, kill it!" Luffy cheered.

"Er, Luffy, it's already dead," Zoro said, kicking the two bits of body over board and tumbling into the ocean below.

"Eh, really?" Luffy exclaimed. Beaming, he jumped up and glomped his first mate. "Thanks Zoro!"

"He may not have raped Luffy," Sanji murmured to Nami, Usopp and Chopper, "but we now know he isn't straight. And neither is the captain."

Usopp and Nami nodded in agreement while Chopper just stared, confused, as Zoro frantically tried to pull Luffy off, face bright red.

"Luffy, get the hell off of me!" Zoro snapped.

"What are you gonna do, rape me?"

"NO!"

Sanji snorted, looking at Zoro and smirking. "Rapist."

"THAT'S IT, YOU'RE DEAD DAMN IT!"

The chase lasted on until 2 a.m. in the morning.

**Me: I could end it here, I really could. But hey, why not make an epilogue?**

Sanji waved good bye to the last of the beautiful woman, bag of spices jangling over his shoulders as Chopper, in full reindeer form, pushed the cook on.

Sanji and Chopper had gone to town to buy more spices since the supply had gone low and, as luck would have it, they ran into some of the local villagers... the cute ones.

"Goodbye, ladies!" Sanji called over his shoulder as Chopper continued to push him forwards. "I'll be back!" he yelled to the giggling girls.

"Come one, Sanji!" Chopper said. "We have to get this stuff back!"

"I'm going, I'm going," Sanji said as they walked up the ramp of the Going Merry. "But hey, you got what you wanted.

"Eh?" Chopper said in confusion, tilting his head to the side.

Sanji smiled, knowing the reindeer really wouldn't get it. "My sexual tensions have been cured."

"REALLY?" Chopper shouted, startling Sanji and causing him to run into the railing which tugged at his pants a little, causing his shirt to fall loose and the cloth to slide down a few inches. But he didn't notice.

Sanji grinned. "Yeah."

"Yeah what?"

They saw the rest of the crew watching them come onboard.

"What took you so long you shitty chef?" Zoro asked.

"None of your business shit head," Sanji said calmly.

"Hey, hey, guess what?" Chopper exclaimed, now happy that he let Sanji stay with the girls a bit more; in his mind, it was his doing that helped Sanji get rid of his problem. "I cured Sanji's sexual tension!"

Sanji's jaw dropped open, cigarette falling out. Nami and Usopp's eyes grew wide and Zoro grinned, his face clearly saying 'Pay back time'.

"Sanji... what happened to your pants?" Luffy asked, drawing everyone's attention to the man's lower anatomy. They saw the un-tucked shirt and low hanging pants.

The same thought were running through everyone's heads.

Chopper cleared Sanji's sexual tension.

Sanji's clothes were messed up.

Oh dear god.

**Me: I finished! Finally! I hope you all enjoyed it, please leave me a final review! Thank you to all who added this to your favorite's list and telling me you liked the fic! I'm so proud!**

**(sniffs air around the end of the epilogue) What's that smell? Is that the smell of... a sequel? Nah XDDD.**

**A/N: The line "someone definetly plundered Luffy's family jewels," is not mine, it's Digi's friend Kaya's. IT IS AWESOME! Thanks Kaya.**

**Review one last time please!**


	4. Review Responses

**...I love you all you crazy bastards.**

**I made a vow to myself to make another chapters that has review thank you's when this fic reached 50 reviews.**

**It has 57.**

**You all have a special place in my heart XDD.**

**Seriously. Each of these chapters got no less then 16 reviews. Flickering Light is lucky to get seven, and that's my main story! GAH! But anyway, thank you all. Can you believe that this hasn't gotten a single flame? I sure as hell can't. I even had people who didn't like shounen-ai come and read this. What drew you all? The title? Was it because it had the word 'rapist' in it?**

**YOU SICK-MINDED CHILDREN...!**

**...You guys rocks my socks. There's a response to everyone who reviewed me in here.**

**Shylu**

It was a riot? o.o Wow. That was only the first chapter. It wasn't meant to be funny... well, I guess the end sorta was. But thank you!

**TenshiKaitou**

Wow, you laughed yourself to sleep? I feel so special right now o.o. Seriously. Yes, misunderstandings are the best XD. So happy you took the timeto read on the cellphone whatever thingy!

**kwaiiChan-chan**

Yay! It is awesome! Poor Zoro is right XD. Thank you for the review!

**Xeora**

Thanks for the encouragement to update! I hope you enjoyed the ending!

**Tokubi**

...I have no idea whether your review was a flame or a state of disbleief. Let us hope it is the second option.

...I'm evil...?

(Bursts into tears)

**FieryKitsune**

Don't you just love torturing Zoro and it's really all Luffy's fault? And it is of deepest regret you hurt yourself laughing. Damn shame, that is. You stuck with ZAIR the whole way through, so I take my hat off to you... well, I would if I had a hat (sweatdrop). It's wonderful you think I did a great job, but I think I could've done better. Ah well, that's just me being strange. THANK YOU! (gives you extendable Luffy plushie for reviewing all three chapters)

**See Saw**

...first, I love your penname. Had to get that off my chest.

It's rare for you to laugh? Wow. That's unhealthy and considered illegal in seven different states: Michigan, Tennessee, Kentucky, Wyoming, Maine, Ohio, and Utah. But that's okay, I won't tell if you won't!

**mayfaire**

It was so rape. And it was, indeed, going there XDDD. Hence the title.

**Diedara**

You wanted the crews reactions, and you got them. They were pretty interesting, you're right. But were they canon? o.o (worries about canon nazis coming to kill her in her sleep and gulps) Thanks ofr the reviews!

**Invader Red**

Another said it was awesome. You people rock XD. Thanks for the ego boost, but don't tell Digitaldreamer. She's still under the impression I don't have one. Heeheehee, just kidding. Really, I am. YOUR REVIEW ROCKED AS WELL! GO INVADER RED!

**Mizuki hikari**

How'd you know that chapter was coming next o.o? You have ESP, don't you? YOU DO? AHHH! But thanks anyway.

**xBloodxRedxRavenx**

What's with the x's? Seriously. I should have added that sentence. But I feel sorry for you. You, as other poor, innocent people, think Zoro's name is "Zolo". DAMN YOU 4KIDS! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

...you also rock my socks.

**Constable Remington**

o.o (GASP) Ah, Noelle is reviewing! I feel so honored! (happy dance) Yes, Zoro is a rapist. Can't you just see him taking advantage of poor, innocent Luffy? I sure as hell can XDD. Thanks for taking some of your time to review this!

You get a rubber duck. Just because you rock like that. (hands you the bath toy)

**Maedhros**

Wow. All three nice adjectives mushed into one word. SO MUCH AWESOME! I love to twist the words around, it's true. One of my favorite past times, it is. No, seriously, it is. Yeah, I copied the definition out of an online dictionary. Use and type in 'rape' XD.

**ShuraChan NLI**

The way I plan things means I have a good brain...? Two things wrong with that XD. First of all, I sold my brain on E Bay for 17 cents and an old shoe to a bum five years ago, and second, I never planned any of it. I just wrote down random things that popped into my head. But hey, whatever floats your boat! Thank you anyway!

**Alex M.**

YEAH! TWO PEOPLE SAY I WIN THE INTERNET! (does the moon walk) You made my day, Alex! You rock.

**Angel of the Mirror**

o.o Why must I cause harm to people with this story? Damnit! AND you fell out of a chair! But hey, it made you laugh! Life is good, Mirror. Life is good.

You get cookies just cause I love your penname.

**FEnM**

WOOT! Pathetically enough, I really DON'T feel sorry for Zoro. Oops? But thank you.

**Namibean**

You've given me so many compliments! You're one of my favorite reviewers! They've all put a smile on my face! Hmmm... a video! You get a video with an OP episode of this story XD. WOOT!...that's a bad movie o.o. Or you can have popcorn. Take either one.

**Sima**

You added this to your favorites? I'm so honored! (bows to you) Thanks!

**Griever5**

You've reviewed pretty much all of my fics, haven't you? You are also one of my favorite OP fandom people. Yes! Roll on ground laughing! It's better then other people who got hurt. Thanks for reading!

**gothywolfie**

So people are telling me. You're all nuts. You are, too. But thank you for being nuts.

**fallingfarther**

Don't fall too far o.o. You'll hurt yourself. There are worse conversations, but I just need them to be funny. Or else it takes away the point of this story. Thanks for the review!

**BloodThirstyWolf**

I don't feel a bit sorry for him! He's just so easy to torture. It's great. As are you and your reviews, thank you!

**Beastfire**

Innocence can be taken advantage of, it's true. You shouldn't, but it's just too good to pass up. Thanks for the review!

**Chibi Phoenix**

SQUEE! I LOVE THAT PENNAME! Okay, after that... I will keep up the good job! I doubt it's the funniest OP story, but I'm happy to hear it's the funniest one YOU'VE ever read. Thank you!

...(gives you baby Phoenix plushie) I couldn't resist o.o;;.

**Firebirdy**

Once again, more pain inflicted by laughter. For the love of God, pull yourself together! XD You people are gonna give me the biggest ego ever, I swear. Heh, tell me what your friends think, 'kay?

**Scarlet Amaranth**

...what's an Amaranth...?

Once again, no feeling of pity for Sanji. But Chopper is, indeed, cute. It cannot be denied. Thanks for reviewing! Damn, I feel like a broken record with all these thank you's.

I have a broken record.

It won't stop saying "I love you."

...I have a record stalker...

...I can die now. I've seen everything.

**jenny**

I take it your name is Jenny? But besides that, I'm happy you 'luv' it.

**Delfeh**

I've decided not to ask what 'delfeh' is.

o.o You want a sequel where Zoro rapes Sanji...? Wow. Just... wow.

Yeah, I'll ask Digi about writing that (cackles evilly). You are a genius, Delfeh. Mwa ha HA!

**amberly**

Sanji did get what he deserved, true. But I still feel bad for the guy. I was gonna make the sequel about Sanji, but it would be a re-make of this fic only with different characters, so that's a no-no. Thanks for reviewing!

**spikemyangel**

That penname sounds so, so WRONG. That's just my dirty mind right there. But I know it really doesn't mean that.

Would you people stop inflating my ego! My God XD. But you are more awesome then I am, you and your reviews.

**hollywood1930**

Thank you! But I hope you stopped laughing at some time.

**ea neko**

Well, I'm not really sure what you were thinking. Sorry. But I'm sure that your previous statement meant something good, so thank you!

**Jenny-fer lalala**

YAY! YOU ARE HAPPY! This causes for a happy dance.

(does happy dance)

And you rock as well! HELL YEAH!

**kinokokichiqai**

Wow. What the HELL does your penname mean? It hurt my brain and caused several trips back to finally spell it right. But hey, all is good since you said it was good. Thanks!

...kinokokichiqai, honestly, what does it MEAN?

**nikuwadoko**

Yeah, I thought it would be something Chopper would do. I can't make any more multi-chapter OP stories 'cause I don't have a clue what to make it about. But if you shared an idea, I would be glad to try!

**FreeAnimeSpirit**

It's nice you said I rock but, again, I can't do the sequel until I have ideas. So, once again, please share some. Thanks for the review all the same!

**Psyprass**

Yes, that's true. Sanji may not say that. But, to be fair, he did shout out "NAMI-SAN'S BREASTS ARE NOT SMALL!" So he has the right to an outburst every once in a while.

Woot with the instant trip to favorites list! Honestly, you rule.

**kaira**

o.o WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE? Gah, you people are really hurting yourself with laughter. It's flattering, but disturbing at the same time. Ummm... thanks... I think o.o.

**Darkday Chaos**

It needs the wrongness to be funny, man! Heh, I hope this brought a smile to your face!

**Anna Sparrow**

It's always good to let out all that happy in laughter! I have no idea how you people think this is so funny. It's really confusing me, it is. Pure genius, no, random, yes XD.

**Kuro Kame**

How can I write more, silly? That was the end! But please, save yourself, BREATH! BREATH GIRL! Ah ha, you think it was a good ending? Good enough to not have a sequel? XD Hopefully. I don't know if I can have any more to write thrn right now. But thank you!

**Digitaldreamer**

Man, this is hard. How can I say this without being sappy? I feel horrible being sappy, especially in a place other people can see it. But I'll live.

Digital, this whole FIC is your fault! I wouldn't have written one sentence without you telling me I should. So thank you. Your reviews meant the most to me 'cause I look up to you the most. Heh, look at Tangled Web!

Come to think of it, all my OP fics were actually written because of you. You were the one pushing and encouraging me. I really wrote them to make you happy. You seemed to like them... and I know how much you love One Piece. Writing all of these stories... everything was tied in with you. I can't thank you enough. It not only improved my writing skills, but I had fun. And if I keep on writing them, at least I know I can talk to you about these if nothing else. So it's all good, then.

So thank you. Man, this is getting sappy. I'd tell you this to your face, but I'd be too embarrassed and it would be very awkward. So... yes. Thank you again, Digital. I won't ever be able to fully thank you for all you've done.

**Done**

**I will never forget this story or all of you that said you enjoyed it. I never enjoyed writing or getting responses more then I did with ZAIR. You all rock you crazy idiots (sniffles). I shall never forget, people! Maybe I'll write OP again. Maybe. If you want a sequel, I will write one. But I need ideas, people!**

**That's it! Thank you for reading ZAR and, to most of you, reviewing! I HEART YOU ALL! 'Til next time, ja ne!**


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